My Work is About The Primacy of the Person

Not sure if I went down after the wrong track. My keyboard is sticky, my monitor covered with nicotine.

Not sure if this is about depression anymore. Not sure if it is about me. How much can I work and then not work? Am I smart or stupid, or how smart or how stupid? Shouldn’t I know these things by the time I am my age. Do people think of freedom when they look at my work because I’m not growing up?

Or is it that I just can’t take care of myself? Self expression is not enough. There has to be a structural context into which one works. Perhaps I am in competition with P. Why did I allow myself to slip, or perhaps I have not slipped at all—perhaps this the way things were meant to be. What else? The care of the self. An awareness. Speaking beyond the micro, whatever the micro is. Or speaking of the macro by speaking of the micro. Perhaps this is a better description. Of course P knows who Anita Steckel is…So many artists. Nevermind. Nevermind. Never-mind. Marijuana and House Music, Deep House Music. My own little world. My own little bubble. When will I get started on the basisstipendium application? As soon as I can. Now I have a bit longer to do it in now that the Marilyn show has been postponed. What else? Making simple works. I simply do not agree with Tracey that work has to “work” to be art. I like asking all the wrong questions, but perhaps not just for the sake of asking all the wrong questions…at least I hope not. For instance, Jo Spence asked all the wrong questions, but with admirable, though in her lifetime denigrated, goals. Now that women have done that we need to build on it, and that’s why I didn’t like Melanie Bonajo’s piece at FATFORM this year. This had to come out.

It’s because I see women as becoming (old, “uitgeschakelde”) objects again. After all the work Carolee and others did who have now reached this / these ages, or slightly younger ages, I find it a provocative, old fashioned (and not in a good way) take on women and even ageing. Hmmm. Oh well. I don’t think it’s that good so it’s not worth so much time. I will not have a 29 inch waist forever, or is it 29 centimeters, of course not. The little engine that could. Frog in my throat. Good at titles. Adept at titles, was my work more interesting when I was 20? No, I don’t think so, it was more ‘desperate’. And I am no longer THAT desperate. Can I write criticism of imagery like Jo Spence? Do I have that in me?

Will it come out? Into me, Out of me. Good title in a way. Overwhelming people with my generosity, and overwhelming myself. Crumpling into a little ball. A corporeal blog. Good explanation or assessment. What else? Sex? Does sex really matter? Intimacy? Companionship? Have I taken them for granted or am I living the dream? Not wanting to have gone to 50 years old without having known this feeling. When you’re young this, when you’re young that…oh Tracey it doesn’t work like that for everyone. Just like it doesn’t work that way for everyone, that the only way you can be diagnosed as manic depressive is if you are not rich and famous? Am I fooling myself? Believing in the wrong things? Hiding behind my diagnosis? Or…? How would I ever know? And Eva Hesse, is that a genuine interest? Yes. Of course. Etc. Etc. Farting in between typing, oh well we can sort of ignore that because everybody does it, even though it’s mostly in private situations. And JdS, who does she think she is? Avoiding me! I don’t think so. I find her offensive, insolent in a negative way…stupid. Really not so clever, and LAZY. Oh there’s nothing I can’t stand worse than being lazy. Disturbed behaviour? Kansas? Attacked from all sides? You can’t be what you are. Measuring the distance between my asshole and my balls. Etc. I still have all that work. Maybe it was better, maybe I thought I had to prove myself. Maybe I was trying really hard. Maybe I hadn’t discovered that I wanted my art to have a message, something to say.

Under his control now as to / for my development? NO. Although it is scary, if that would be true. Landing down with those I don’t even feel that close to aesthetically. Maybe P and Melanie Bonajo…no he’s no where near that stupid, that’s the point and the issue. Not sure if I should work, not sure if I want to work etc. Jean Marc Sinan “Sinan” perfume, “Tigresse” by Faberge, what was the other one? I cannot remember right now. These are the two perfumes I have my eyes on right now.

Or my nose haha. Cannot always work, just surfing around to see where the cheapest Sinan perfume might be, but this is not a long term solution. No. Perfume is no long term solution. I love Tigresse’s packaging, and Lola Falana is very special.

Health problems or imagined health problems. Taking care of myself. There have been times of not knowing like this before, maybe I will become religious, or maybe my art will remain my faith. Everything has to happen quickly when you are young, am I disingenous for being as friendly as I can to everyone? Or should I say exactly what I think all the time. Maybe I would learn some things.

I have nothing to impress them with anymore. There is nothing impressive. That’s how it is. It’s just washed up, washed out, over and over again describing the same difficult paths. The paths where it looks like there’s nothing happening, at all, when things are actually always happening. MY WORK IS ABOUT THE PRIMACY OF THE PERSON. There, that says it all…