Keeping Busy (with Wounded Narcissism) x

I have tremendous trouble keeping myself busy. Some days there is no reason to go outside because my husband does the work, and I am at home to work, and really bad at cleaning (some kind of trauma from my youth which has proven indefinable). Not sure about consumption and the art world, or art worlds, but sometimes I have no idea what to do and just feel panicked and fattening somehow...just lax and laconic and sedentary. Too much of a live-in-my-head person. And my husband should understand this, but he doesn't always understand this and when I am tired and depressed and "at a loss" then I am prone to agitation and annoyance with him and other artists etc. Depression dominates my life but I am not going to let that be a waste. Like David Wojnarowicz, like so many artists before me I am going to be virtually ignored until I die. And then we will see...I just can't bring myself to exercise and it's a sort of self fulfilling prophecy that I will be inactive and then feel guilty about that inactivity and then stupid and bored and frustrated and complaint ridden and so forth. And I have spent this afternoon doing what I sometimes do, Googling other artists like William E. Jones and a photographer named William Gedney or I'm not sure about the first name or others Emily Roysdon etc. and maybe I should have done the Whitney Independent Study Program and taken up the baton and torch from Mary Kelly...what could still happen. Not sure what to do next, I just cannot work all the time and I cannot have sex all the time and I cannot read all the time and so forth. I feel pretty shitty and it's just because I'm at a loss for what to do and not sure why I am living in Holland and at least all the others who died of AIDS related complications did not complain like I do. Complaining about nothing because everything is quite easy and arranged for me actually but that is part of the problem in ways. To get out of that. To become more financially independent, and personally independent instead of counter-dependent and therapy will stop for now but it will go on at a later date in the future if I am not dead somehow. And fetishism has to be extended to mean more than just women and lack of phallus and phantasy and men objectifying women and so. Faith fetishist I once called myself and it's about my development and I keep tying myself in knots and things like that, and I am always working and doing my thing and focussed and just because I am an artist 24 hours a day does not mean I am always producing and sometimes I think I should live in New York or London, probably not Berlin or Paris, or maybe somewhere completely different outside of the West but really I am someone who needs to be constantly stimulated, and that is the point. That is why I might not be able to live outside of the West and am I here because of my husband or because of myself? And do I want need deserve more attention how could this be when I do so little all of the time? There are people much more inspired than me who do their things better and the best I can say about today is that I avoided spending money on perfume. My urge used to be stronger, and so did my inspiration. I cannot time myself and really what I am offering is a frustrating state of affairs, I am sooooo sorry that this is all I can offer you but I would be much more peaceful if I was dead. Poor me. Haha. And I am not even talented like Sarah Kane or others who killed themselves, Sylvia Plath etc. Anne Sexton. What will be my fate in the future? I have to work myself out of this situation of boredom and frustration and capitalist competition and stress, and I come from Topeka Kansas for god's sake and that's no Margate like where Tracey comes from. She really is in all the right places at the right times, as Elke also had the luck to be. My wounded narcissism is going to kill me. Many times when I compare myself physically or artistically etc. then things go horribly wrong. I am what I am is not such a bad phrase, but it is very hard for me to live up to this, when there are so many situations when I think I need to be things I am not. So working my way out of boredom and the feelings of alienation that I feel in the West, and the guilt that goes with that because I have a loving husband and full fridge etc. -- I have to work my way out of that again and again and see the joys of living and being productive and just being. It is very hard for me, and that is why I am the way I am. And what use is guilt because there are people who have it much better than me, and people that have it much worse. It is all one big balancing act....more later when I can....