I realize that I have to entertain myself. I could have started with any sentence really. Checking my email constantly, waiting for something to come in that I can respond to and dig my teeth into. Dependent on other people sometimes. Especially when attention is given, and then I expect more. I suppose I have sent out a lot of detailed emails recently so I am curious what some responses will be...
Line Karlstroem just wrote and I had a lot of fun answering that email. Line is impressing me more and more with her confidence, strength, and engaged inspiration. Just spoke to my parents briefly and told them that I will end therapy soon with David Stein here in Amsterdam. I need to see how it is to "fly solo" for some time, after being in therapy for about five years or more. Confused is most likely how I come across these days, and I just need to sort myself out and feel that I am doing the best I can for myself. Does depression make one narcissistic? I am not sure but it seems to in my case. I've been through a lot and sometimes I just feel like I'm free-falling into space, without any kind of net or structure. Sex is a complicated one as well, and as much as I write about gay sex in my book "Profeminist WHITE FLOWERS" I am reluctant here to write about sex. It is so unbelievably public and on such a large scale. Tracey Emin and my admiration for her, and my identification with her, is also an issue. I must come across as confused, and I just saw some of my ex-students in the supermarket and always feel as if I am gushing when I mention Tracey Emin. As if it's a big deal that I am friends with her or so, and maybe it is. Maybe it's a big deal because I fall in love with people, and then am afraid in my narcissistic way that they will discover what I already think I know, that I am not so much under the sugar coating of my love and that I cannot think straight most of the time. Everything is very specific and there are two types of people in relationships, the dependent kind and the narcissistic kind -- where did I read this again?? I am a researcher, investigator etc. and I have not left much from what I started out doing. Somehow I am very proud of this, that painting was not just a step for me, and that I am an artist 24 hours a day. Even though I am a confused one, at that. And so I have been blocked for some time emotionally, perhaps sexually too, and probably even in other ways. Thank god I can type. Neuroses. James Wagner's video review of Tracey Emin's show at Lehmann Maupin, I probably have his name wrong. Some guy in New York on a bike that comments and films at openings in New York City. I just find life so frustrating and I have to stop smoking marijuana at all, or just a few puffs a night or so. And I must stop smoking in general and a lot of what I do is like treading water. Just to keep from drowning.
Impatience is my middle name, and now I am turning into a tonsured monk hairwise. And actually "looking like shit" is my motto these days. And etc. And wondering if I had a great deal of support on people like D.B. see it is hard not to write full proper names when blogging but it doesn't seem like it's a good idea when there is such incredible and quick snap access.
What else? Treading water is just fine, and I am documenting my development, and it's just a matter of time before my rhythm picks up again and I don't want to remain marginal in all senses but sometimes I think I've had a very sad life, and then sometimes again I think I've had a sort of charmed life, or maybe every life is a sort of charmed life. And maybe the best thing that can happen to me is a radical change, in my work, life, relationship etc. And if men are either bullies or cripples, and if women are either madonnas or whores, where does that leave the in between? Cripple whore, Madonna bully etc. etc. Cross identifying. Almost just wrote something about Dutch sex and then decided not to. What does it mean to be in contact with other people with mental illness or disorder or symtoms or what have you? Perhaps we are all crazy. Perhaps I definitely am. It just feels good to get this out of my body, to do things to externalize, and perhaps it is true that those that don't do teach, or those who can't do teach. Or something like this, and I am just hanging on the branch or trapeze jumping from one hold up to another. One hold to another. And waiting for emails. Confused gibberish. Aware of my shortcomings. Reich and Laing. And Freud. All the people our paths cross with over the years, and as we get older the crossings seem more strange and unusual. When we are younger the crossings are more dynamic, unfixed, and they happen quicker. Kind of a confused post this one. Oh well. There is alot more to say, but I think maybe sometimes I can just leave that. And life does not amount to crucial moments, it can, but normally it is a balancing act of all sorts of factors together. That is how it feels. Cripple madonna, Bully whore. I am going to publish this regardless because it may mean something to someone, perhaps it helps talk someone in off a ledge knowing that they are not the only one that struggles. Sarah Kane and all the others who have committed suicide, where are they now??
